Further thoughts on the caboose

So, today is my ultrasound. I've woken with the ever-so-lovely pregnancy insomnia around 5 every morning this week. Basically, I've had lots of uninterrupted time to think about the baby. :) As we are in the Christmas season and I've heard it read often, I've really been struck yet again by the sentence, "Mary took all of these things and pondered them in her heart." Not that I am comparing myself to Mary, but I doubt a woman in history has not felt more closely aligned to her than while pregnant during Christmas. I have been very introspective as I think about this coming baby. All of my life my desire was to marry, have babies and be a mommy. That's it...never wanted to be president or a doctor. Just a mom. And while I know that the job will never end, I am seeing the day fast approaching that my role will shift from supreme comforter...Mommy...to Mom. I think I'm a little fearful of the change.

Chris thinks it's a boy. Anna-Kate thinks it's a boy but is still hoping for a girl. Ryan thinks it's a boy. Jack still can't talk. And me? I just don't have a strong feeling. There are certain things that make me think it's a girl...dreams, cravings I've had. Then the realist in me says it's a boy...I look like I did when carrying the boys and I've had 2 boys since my girl. Statistically speaking, it's a boy. So, today will be a surprise for me because with all of the other three I had zero doubts in my mind what it was. When polling friends, I get more guesses of girl. Made me wonder if I'm starting to explode all over, until my friend Emily told me that she forgot I was pregnant until she was sitting next to me and noticed my belly. God bless her! Ha. :)

As you probably know, we would love to have a girl. I've always said I wanted two boys and two girls (though, to be fair, my plan was to have boy, girl, girl, boy...so clearly, my planning didn't align too closely to the Lords' plan!). And then there is my sweet Anna-Kate and her desperate desire for a sister. To be honest though, before there ever was a number four we began praying for the Lord to prepare us for a fourth child...not another girl. This baby is loved, prayed for, wanted and will be the perfect book end to our family. :) So, all that to say, we would also love to have another little boy.

I'm feeling all melodramatic at the moment. I think a little part of me will be sad no matter what the sonographer tells us. Whatever gender the Lord has blessed us with, I will never again have the other. A whole genders worth of baby things will be sold or given away, never to be used and loved by me or my family. I am so one that deeply connects music, smells, visuals (ie, clothes) with memories. It's like the end of an era, and I'd be lying if I said I wasn't saddened by the thought. Soon we will know our family. The full picture of God's plan for the people in it.

I guess I can then spend even more time praying for my future kids-in-law.

So, we're off.