Time away

I'm embracing my age. :) I thought it would be fun to start a dinner club this year (and it is!). I invited three of my dear friends (and their respective spouses-ha!) and we divided up the calendar. We each hosted once. SO FUN! We do appetizers and cocktails, a full seated dinner and dessert. And, it is concentrated fellowship and good times as all of our kids (between us, there are 12) are tucked in at home with babysitters!

 

Well, the girls decided to get away for a night, and the guys agreed (some more willingly than others...lol. Thankfully, Chris was fully on board.).

 

We got  a hotel in a fun area, spent the day shopping, had a fantastic steak dinner, then headed back to the hotel and chatted for hours in our comfy pjs. We slept in (which for me was about 7:45, lol) then went back to the mall and got starbucks. The girls slowly left for various commitments but Leigh-Ann and I hung on until the very end. :) We found a dress for me to wear to the wedding and had a late lunch before reappearing at home.

 

Where was Mark, you ask? I left him home with Chris and pumped. I've never left a baby that young before. Chris was a saint for doing it and I cannot tell you how wonderful the time was. I came home refreshed physically and emotionally.

 

We were accousted at Macy's and got makeovers. It was A LOT of makeup, but tons of fun too. :)

At dinner

Starbucks

Yum. So blessed by these friendships!

The longest 45 minutes ever

It's been a long day. One of those days where I have repeated to myself multiple times, "these are precious moments...fleeting moments...treasure them..."

I've been having some odd health things, which I'll save for another post another day, but, I've had a lot going on. After a long morning and driving carpool a million times I finally put the baby down for a super late nap. No dice, he wasn't having it. Cried. His whole "nap time". The kind of crying that doesn't stop when you pick them up. Do you know what that does to my nerves? I finally gave up and fed him and moved on with my day. Amidst that, there may or may not have been four different opporunities for me to tangibly teach first time obedience to a couple of unnamed children. Sigh.

Anyway, I put the baby down, turned Praise Baby on (thinking we all needed the encouragement) and started making dinner. I then hear, "Mommy, Mark threw up everywhere." That isn't shocking, so I wasn't in a rush to get there. Upon arrival I saw that he had not just spit up, but had spit up on the Jack in the box...or should I say in (throughout?) the Jack in the box. Ewww. I cleaned up the baby and started on the floor and toy when I saw Jack standing there with a white powder all over his face (similiar to how one looks after devouring a powdered donut). I instantly knew what it was--Mark's teething tablets. I ran Jack upstairs and told him to show me what he had eaten and where it was. Sure enough, he had eaten over half a bottle. They were completely gone. They are natural so I wasn't too worried until I read the "if more than allotted dose is taken contact poison control immediately." So, off I went to call (amazingly, for the first time). I was on hold for a while as a couple of people consulted on my case...no "active" ingredients, but lots of ingredients for a little boy to have at once. While on the phone my home phone began ringing and Anna-Kate picked up--telemarketer. She didn't keep talking when I said I was speaking with poison control. Helpful tip, I suppose. Had a long talk with Jack about not taking medicine unless I give it to him. The baby was crying most of the phone call, but I had my hands full cleaning Jack up and then tackling the Jack-in-the-box  (oh, and I introduced green peas...so there was that.). I finally went to get the baby, picked him up and noticed he was warm. Sure enough, his first fever. Despite starting dinner preparations at 4:45, at 5:45 there was no dinner.

Amazing what can happen in 45 minutes, huh?

See? Don't you feel better about your afternoon now? You're welcome.

Perspective

I was bemoaning getting out of bed to go downstairs to go pack the boys' lunch. Chris reminded me that in a few years there won't ever be a need to pack a lunch again. Perspective.

I was driving home from picking up the boys and Mark was screaming hysterically and I found myself longing for the day that he is old enough to just chill in his carseat. Then I remembered I will never have a little one who needs me and wants to be held so desperately again. Perspective.

I was frustrated with Jack...for having his hands in everything, for typing while I was typing, for having an accident, for asking me "why" so.many.times...I put him down, out of my lap and his sweet little voice said, "Sawry Mommy. I want to smuggle wit you Mommy". Pangs of guilt. This is the two year old season. Perspective.

I spent another day in the car (drove carpool 4 different times that day) and was resenting my new life lived in my car with no time between carpool and nursing (another thing I feel like I'm always doing) to string 30 minutes together to actually accomplish anything. Then the feelings of guilt for running an errand in the 30 minute block of time that Mark could actually get a nap in his bed. And guilt for schlepping him everywhere. And guilt for his schedule constantly being in flux. And guilt that I just want him to stop crying and be a laid back baby, which he just is not.

But then I remembered, I'm living the dream. My dream, my goal in life, to be a stay at home mom to the four children I had always prayed to the Lord to give me. I signed on for carpool, and soccer practice and cheerleading camp and packing lunches and crying babies and snuggling (and even manipulative) two year olds. I signed on for poopy pants, spilled milk, toys always under foot. I signed on for dirt tracked in, muddy clothes and bloody noses. I prayed for sweet moments of joy--praying with my kids, seeing their hearts, dancing to Disney songs, playing in the rain, making cookies...

Perspective. Above all else, I am blessed beyond words. Now I just need to pray my heart to fully "get" what my head already knows.

What's in a name?

If you are me, a lot. :)

So I previously hinted at some of the "rules" or parameters for naming Mark. It became quite a lengthy and extensive list by the end of the process. :) We had many friends pondering with us as we attempted to find the perfect name.

Family name.  Had a good meaning. Four letters long.  Contained an "A".  Did not begin with "A", "R", "J" or "H". Couldn't end the same way as our last name. Not short for anything (ie, "Will" was off the table because it is short for William).

***

So, for fun, I will include all of the kids' names and their meanings.

Anna-Grace, favor
Kate-Pure
Ruth-Faithful friend

Ryan-Little king
Elliot-My God is the Lord

Jack-God is gracious/His gracious gift
Henry-Ruler of the home

Mark-Strong warrior
Christopher-Bearer of Christ

I have loved watching my kids grow up and take on their names, and what their name meanings have brought us to pray for them. Just a little special thing for me.

To remember

I don't have a "birth story", per se, but there are some things I want to remember about Mark's birthday.

• I didn't shake or get sick from the pain meds/surgery for the first time. Such a relief!
• Our prayers were beyond answered that Mark didn't need to go to the NICU like his brothers did. 
• The doctor assisting my OB in my surgery said, "wow, you are really thin." I started laughing and said, "you probably say that to all the girls. I feel anything but thin right now!". Evidently I have a very small layer of fat. Who knew? Now, if I could get the muscle control back so it didn't appear fat to the naked eye...
• They wanted to slowly wean me off the epidural overnight so turned off the automatic drip. I awoke to a screaming baby at 3 who I couldn't hold because my stomach was burning. I think I know what it would feel like to be shot or cut open with no meds. Good gracious. Painful. Turned that guy back on and weaned off while I was awake to monitor my pain. 
• My OB recommended an abdomen wrap. I was unsure the proper way to put it on/how tight to do it, so laid down as my two nurses put it on for me. Without thinking, I said, "oh, I just feel like Scarlett O'hara...never mind me not having a 20 inch waist" and laughed it off. Chris was behind the nurses turning all colors of red for my foot in mouth moment. Oops. Can I blame that on the pain meds I was on?
• I was off percocet about a week after surgery, motrin 13 days. 
• 12 days post surgery my incision was completely closed...same day that Mark's umbilical stump fell off (which, PS, I always rejoice over as that is disgusting and then they can have a real bath...but I was a little saddened this time as I continued one of many "I'll never do X again...")

That's all I have for now. Off to bed. 

Updates

Well, there is still no news on the insurance front. My adjuster is in the process of going through arbitration, so there hasn't been a final answer. So there's that.

 I had a lovely shower thrown by my sweet friend, Leigh-Ann, last week. But that is a post in itself. :) Chris was heavily pursued by an awesome company and finally decided to make a change in a couple of weeks. I am so proud of him and beyond thankful that his commute will be less than half what it is currently. Amazing. Praise the Lord for providing what we didn't even know we needed!

 Me. My back is still hurting. I'm not completely useless, which is an improvement, but am definitely starting to count days, which I don't particularly recall doing in previous pregnancies. 38 days, if you were wondering (And, holy cow! Typing that is UNREAL!!!). I was texted a "baby update" last week that advised me to have all of my baby clothes, toys, paraphernalia washed and put away to be ready. Ya, a bit overwhelming as we still don't have a nursery set up, (and I'm in the midst of dealing with my second fabric choice being sold out everywhere...I evidently have amazing taste...) a name for our child, (and thank you to Anna-Kate for pointing out last night that "Anna, Kate, Ryan and Jack all have "a's" in them, so we'd better have a 4 letter name with an 'A' in it too Mommy." Wow. I hadn't even thought of that yet. Great...) and are still in the midst of settling the big boys (weird) together in one room. Ya, hopefully they will get washed before he arrives. And hopefully the race to the finish nesting will kick in. By evening I'm doing good to walk upright to the bed. Sigh. I'm stretched a bit thin right now and am feeling my emotions heavily as I am dealing with a few disappointments. I find that I expect people to react, respond and do things they way that I would do them--which isn't fair, as God created us all differently, and is 100% not reality (unfortunate as that is...lol). Though I'm stressed out and worried about this summer, I am very much looking forward to a slower pace and more time to sit back and enjoy my kids (though, I'm praying they don't get bored out of their minds with endless summer days and a mommy recovering from surgery).

 Anna-Kate is devouring books. I'm so proud of her and thrilled that she loves to read! She literally is beside herself if she forgets to bring a book in the car with her. She's gearing up for her party and is thrilled that it is soon, along with summer. :)

I am loving Ryan at age 4. The freak outs, tantrums and hardness that was three has produced a precious boy who loves to learn and is a sweet brother and son--Praise the Lord! He loves his school, which is a huge blessing and has started giving me good information when he gets home (something I feared wouldn't happen as I've heard boys don't share as much).

Jack is still my happy boy--though age two has brought a new naughtiness to him. He will look me in the eye as he does something wrong and then just give the biggest, happiest smile in the world. Little stinker. He's precariously close to opening doors. Praying we can hold that off a bit longer.

Baby Caboose is continuing to grow. I mean, if we are taking bets, I'm betting he is close to 9 lbs and I'm not exaggerating! I can barely breath sometimes! He remains a bit violent in the womb. I keep telling him to get it all out now so he can relax and sleep in his lovely new nursery when he arrives. (fingers crossed). So, that's what we've been up to. (well, that and the 50 other things that have pictures associated with them that I am too tired to upload and blog about today...). :)

Toothpicks

I told someone the other day that I was holding my life together by toothpicks right now. Clearly, I'm spiraling and quite thankful for a God who holds me in His hands and is in control {despite my best efforts}.

{Be forewarned, this is not funny or witty...it's a bummer of a post, so read on at your own discretion.}

So, my poor van. If you'll recall, I was rear-ended a few weeks ago. I called to check the status and was told it was deemed 50/50 liability which means we are out our deductible, rental car costs and, in my state, my premiums will all go up. Say what? For being rear-ended? I insisted the case be re-opened per the suggestion of my mechanic and comments the adjuster said when he was looking at my car (ie, "it looks like you were stopped when hit." and "I'm surprised since you know who the person was that she wouldn't just offer to pay your deductible to avoid the hassle" etc). We are still waiting to hear back. I'm doing the call every day in my sweetest southern accent and try to annoy the poo outta them so they just sort it out to be done with me thing...we'll see how that strategy works. We took a calculated risk and reported that our car had been key'd (ps, who key's a van? seriously?) as it doesn't raise premiums and pays for a rental car. Well, for better or worse, it was able to be buffed out. Saved some money, but we were still out for it and no rental car as it was lower than our deductible. Anyway, went to pick up my car on Friday afternoon (after realizing my garage door opener had been left in the rental van...and they say they never saw it and it isn't there...) and found my right front tire completely flat. Like, the hubcap was resting on the ground flat. They patched it (a rusted nail that had evidently been there a while and the nail head finally rusted off= completely flat) but resulted in new tires. Expensive week for my "as good as new" van.

It's just so frustrating!

Add to that, that I've reached the once or twice a night wake up to pee stage which has left me utterly exhausted and moving the boys in to the same room, which has resulted in a rough week of sleep...I'm just beat {In my opinion, all children have a direct link between behavior and sleep. That is certainly the case for my boys, one in particular.). I have no patience. I find myself with little grace. I wake up and my back hurts before I ever get out of the bed. I told Chris I just long for the day I can breathe and move without pain. There are various things in my life right now leading to some stress and worry on my part (which isn't my normal personality, or of the Lord, so I am definitely praying about that) and I'm just tired. And this baby is violent. I've spent the day nauseous praying I won't get sick, and just have been completely unproductive. My mom asked me the other day if I was "cured" of being pregnant. As I have loved {almost} every second of my previous pregnancies I think she was surprised to hear me say "yes" before she'd finished talking.

I'm sure I'll laugh about it some day. That's usually how that works, right? :)

A series of unfortunate events

That about sums up the past few days, Mondays specifically.

A couple of weeks ago I met my mom and a couple of her friends/old family friends I've known forever for lunch. I missed moving my car by nine minutes and got a parking ticket. Granted, I "deserved" it, but that is still annoying nonetheless. The ticket price ($25) doubled if they didn't receive it in 5 days (due on a Tuesday) so when I remembered Sunday evening I put it in the mailbox {I'm just at that point in pregnancy where if I don't do something when I"m thinking about it, it doesn't happen...}. The next morning my alarm didn't go off {who knew, if you don't turn off your iphone regularly, or ever, things don't work properly} and I woke up at 7:28 am. I have to leave to drive carpool at 7:34 at the latest. Thankfully, my friend drove the other two kids and I just had to get Anna-Kate to school. As I pulled out I noticed that my mailbox was open, and the envelope containing my ticket and check were gone. Oh goodie. Thus, Monday was spent trying to cancel checks, flag our accounts and contact the county about the ticket (and I won't even go into my current feelings on my tax dollars, red tape and the obnoxiousness that is bureaucracy.).

Lessons learned: 1.) Never put a check in your mailbox. Ever. 2.) If you need to cancel a check it costs $29 (more than the cost of the ticket, in my case). However, if you cancel three or more checks, it's free. Go figure, but I'll take it (thanks to the hubby for figuring that one out!).

The rest of the week remained about on par with that day for various reasons...I was ready for the weekend for sure.

On Sunday I was backing out of my parking place, had my hand on the gear shift to change to drive when I heard a crunch. Scared the daylight outta me! I'm always a pretty cautious driver, especially with my kids in the car, but when I'm pregnant I turn downright neurotic. Sure enough, my bumper is completely crushed, the side panel pushed under, paint job completely shot. Thankfully, we were all fine as my car was completely stopped at the time so there wasn't much impact. Anyway, I spent most of yesterday and this morning dealing with insurance calls, taking the car in for an estimate, meeting the claims adjuster etc. I did some online research for damage/impact and found the evidence to back what I recall of the incident, (cause, you know it happens so fast I was starting to doubt myself when the other driver claimed we were equally at fault backing at the same time) I was clearly stopped, as there was no scraping, just crunch. My car was hurt, hers wasn't, which showed her hitting me. Bottom line, unless the insurance company cites it as so (we both have the same company) we will be out our deductible. Also, it is a minimum two day repair, up to seven plus if there is damage behind the bumper he couldn't see. The Honda guy felt sorry for me, I think, and is getting me his rate for a rental van, so that's another $30+ a day...and truly, I wasn't at fault. Really praying this one gets sorted out.

Lessons learned: 3.) if your car gets hit in a parking lot and you don't know who the driver was, file an incident report with the police and you will be able to file it under your uninsured motorist coverage which is a zero deductible and free rental car, in my state at least. Perhaps that will help in the future. Unfortunately, I know exactly who hit me.

Well, there are your helpful tips for today. You're welcome. :)

Baby update

Well, I'm in my 3rd trimester. Guess I left the 2nd trimester behind in my dust. Hmm. Time flying much??



Had my OB appointment and glucose test today. I arrived starving and nauseous from the sugary (non-carbonated) drink. YUCK. Am not sad to never have to take one of those guys again! Anyway. My doctor did a fun 3D ultrasound to check growth/position etc--and just because she's fun and awesome like that (get this, she's even more fun and awesome because the baby had his face jammed up against the placenta and we couldn't get one decent picture, so she is gonna do another ultrasound next appointment! Yes!). He is already over 3 lbs (3.3 actually-71%) and his head, wait for it, is in the 97%. Ya, not that there was any doubt on the repeat C-section, but seriously. Was excited to hear he was such a beef-cake as I've only gained 12.5 lbs this whole pregnancy (this is huge for me...and certainly not from anything I've done as I just ate my way through Disney and have been living off Mickey rice krispie treats, Easter candy and peanut butter m&m's the last few weeks...). I think I'm gonna have Ryan.2 on my hands! :) She said he looks perfect and that all looks well.

Can't believe it's so close to over. Definitely have mixed feelings. Chris and I both are feeling peace and closure over this stage of life, but it's weird and scary at the same time. I'm still enjoying the kicks and movement--but he is hands down the most active of all of my babies. Wonder how that will translate to life outside the womb??

SURPRISE!

Birthdays are really important to me--always have been. :) Since becoming a mother, obviously, priorities shift (time, money etc) and the last few have been less than stellar.

Quick recap:

2007: we moved on my birthday and Chris, Anna-Kate and my grandparents (who we were staying with for a couple of days while homeless) were all puking.
2008: came home from the hospital after having Ryan on my birthday. Had an infected scar and a staph infection.
2009: in the hospital with Anna-Kate for pneumonia
2010: in the hospital with Ryan for breathing/stridor issues.
2011: I turned 30. :) Nothing bad to report, it was just a day. No pomp and circumstance. Forgive me, I'm whining at this point. :)

This year, Chris knocked it out of the park for my {mediocre} 31st year. :) He sent out an evite to some local friends (mostly from church) to meet at our favorite Mexican restaurant, organized with the restaurant to have a separate kids' table (woo-hoo!) and to have quesadillas and guacamole on the table for all and even blew up balloons. When I walked in, (on my birthday eve) I was greeted by about 50 people all there for me. I was blown away by the love! (HUGE thank you to Chris, and to all who came!)

Chris was even good enough to think to take pictures to document the festivities. Iphone quality was less than desirable in the dim lighting, but I am thankful for these!

Funniest thing, it was stuck on his head forever and he didn't even know it was there.



Looking down the table. The kids' table was just as big (in fact, I think there were more kids than adults there. :) ).



Me with my love, and Jack. :) The big kids were there too, but having too much fun with all of their friends.



***

Last weekend, when we were at my parents' house they gave me Cirque du Soleil tickets (and free babysitting to make that all possible!)! I was over the moon as I've always wanted to go and have never been. I am SO excited to see the show when we are in Orlando soon!!

On my actual birthday, I slept in (until 7:20...sigh.) and he took Jack to Publix to get donuts. :) I was given the day to sew and while I did that, he took the kids out to buy their gifts for me. I even was able to sneak away for a massage! (Thank you Mimi and Oompa!!). That night we attended a friends' 40 birthday party that was so fun! Chris bought me "The Meaning of Marriage" (Tim Keller) for us to read together, (which I love! He isn't a big reader, so this was a sacrificial gift! :) ) a 101 piece set of Wilton cookie cutters, (never fear, I will never not have a cookie cutter I need again!) a Willow Tree, (For each child we have a different willow tree, so this being our last-we think-it was especially sweet) and of course my super awesome new iphone case. It's hot pink with my monogram. I love it! He did such a good job and I am so very thankful. :)

Yesterday, he spent the afternoon baking a birthday cake for me with the kids. The kids loved it, but I think he was OVER it. Lol. He even made me homemade buttercream...it was quite the process. :)

So, my birthday weekend was wonderful--I felt loved. Thanks to all who participated in making it wonderful!

It takes a big mess to make a clean space, right?

So, I'm hooked on Pinterest. Heard of it? I told my mom it was super for people who are indecisive (her) and people with too many ideas to keep up with them (me). It's a virtual bulletin board you can "pin" any idea you can find on the ol' world wide web. Brilliant, no? Although, I've been doing this for years.



See these notebooks? Years worth of printed internet pages and pages from magzines in plastic sleeves organized nicely with a table of contents {So yes, I'm that person.}.

Anyhoo, I've had wreath envy for years, but am too cheap to buy the kind of wreath that appeals to me (in the neighborhood of $100. What can I say? I have filet taste on ground round budget. Thankfully, I can improvise. :) ). I've attempted to make my own in the past but was not happy with the outcome. But, thanks to pinterest, I was able to gather ideas and combine them into one big happy wreath. Isn't she a beaut?



High on my success I decided that my laundry room {otherwise known as purgatory} could use a little face lift. I measured my space, went to Lowes, had the nice little man cut my wood and trim, painted them and then stood back to manage Chris as he put them together and hung them. :) I got all giddy with the organizational possibilities in my wee space so ran for Hobby Lobby to pick up coordinated accessories. Be still my heart (both to my man and all of the lovely baskets waiting to be nicely organized. I can breath in there again!). I picked up that little lamp from Target and slapped some pom pom fringe I had left over from another project on it. Love.



I want to get some vinyl words to put above this shelf. I'm thinking the "treasure today, tomorrow it will be memories" is appropriate as I spend a good bit of time in here, and am not always happy about it. :)



Keeping it real:



In the midst of looking for laundry ideas, I came across a picture of an old school shopping basket, which I just so happened to acquire from my grandparents when they moved, housing cook books. Perfect. I had been wanting to use it somehow, and my window of "use it or lose it" was fast coming to a close. So I dug all of my cookbooks out, got rid of the ones that didn't fit and went to put it on my counter. I love it. (and my kids are loving the cabinet space vacated by the books which is now play dough, stickers, paper and their craft boxes.)



One problem, where would my canisters go? So, I pulled everything out and organized my baking cabinet. {Yes, I have a baking cabinet}. The old baskets from my laundry room (that no longer matched my black and white theme) got re-purposed to hold baking supplies--one for all my chocolate chips, bark, baking chocolate etc and one for powdered sugar, brown sugar, and extra things like that). The canisters are in the baking cabinet all snug as a bug.



Then I sat down to enjoy my loveliness and realized I was exhausted. The end. :)

First day of school {kindergarten version}

Last night our school hosted its annual meet the teacher night followed by the back to school picnic. Anna-Kate was very excited to meet her teacher and we enjoyed getting her acclimated to where her cubby was etc. After, we hit the playground while Chris gathered our picnic blanket/chairs then headed down to the football field where there were various food options, (yet we still ended up with Chikc-fil-a!) bounce houses, ride on toys for the littles and carnival games. My kids were in paradise!









The first day of school has a late start so I decided to make a big family breakfast. As I was just putting muffins in the oven I turned around to Anna-Kate (at 7:30 am) standing in the kitchen, fully dressed in her uniform with a huge grin on her face. She said, "do I look beautiful, Mama?" {that would be cry #1 of the day, if you wanted to keep track}. We enjoyed a slower breakfast then began the photo shoot. :) She came up to me as I stood there watching my kids play together in the last minutes before we left for school and was overwhelmed with joy and the blessings I have been given. I had a few tears in my eyes, and Anna-Kate ran up to me, threw her arms around me and said, "Mama, I am just so excited to go to my new school!" (this would be huge as I usually have to drag her/pry her off me the first few days).



Sad Daddy! He is not happy about her growing up!



Precious siblings. I am blessed by them!



As we drove to school I looked in the rear view mirror and saw her sitting there in her big girl booster, and in the foreground, Jack in her old infant seat. I kept willing myself to pull it together (this would be cry #3, the second happened as I prayed for breakfast :) ). We walked up the ramp at the exact same time as her friend Adam and his family, so of course, I began snapping their first day together at school. Jonathan mocked my scrapbook efforts. Ha!

Adam and Anna-Kate...sweet friends. :)



After I snapped pictures with her teachers and got a quick picture with us and her, (dismal as it is...) Chris left for work and the boys and I headed to the annual kindergarten "tissues and tears" party. Aptly named. They boys had a hay day with the food and I must have looked fragile as I received numerous hugs {from strangers} and "oh honeys".

Last picture before getting shooed away.



Her TA, Ms. Byrd



Her teacher, Ms. Miller



I came home and began cleaning while the boys played, surprisingly well together. Other surprise of the day? Being one kid down, the noise level in my house rose significantly. Boys! :)

We headed to school for early pick up at 1:30 and to attend a popsicle party to celebrate the first day of school. It was fun to see her walking out with her class, put her bag away, and then my heart melted as she saw me, shouted "mama" and came running to a big hug. (this would be cry 12 or so of the day...). My heart is full. Even as I miss her, I know the Lord has guided this decision and this is the school He planned for her. We are so blessed to be a part of this school, and even more blessed to call her our daughter.

She saw me and came running...I LOVE this picture!



I missed her so much! What a happy reunion! :)



Class picture



Her and Marin

Honesty

I just wrote a really long blog post. I couldn't push publish. I try to portray myself honestly, but sometimes the ugliness of my heart is too much for me and this semi-anonymous-yet-extremely-public platform.

I am wrestling with a lot of emotions as we gear up for school next week. I am thrilled with the choice we've made and how we have seen the Lord work, but I am fearful of the unknown and of leaving my kids with new people. I wonder if they will make friends and how they will fit in. At the same time, a small part of my heart will breathe a sigh of relief to get my house back in order and reestablish a routine after the relaxing summer we had (lovely though it was).

Control {or the lack thereof}

I flipped out this morning.

A couple of weeks ago a note came home from school that all of the pre-K kids would be going to a nearby (like, across the street and up a block) elementary school for an early lunch to see what it will be like for next year. My initial reaction was, "this is stupid, she isn't even going to public school next year and areyoukiddingme, you think I'm gonna let my little girl walk across the street?!?" I figured I would get a sitter for Jack and Anna-Kate and I would do something fun so she wouldn't feel jipped.

I may have kinda been anxious about it ever since, then somehow forgot about it. Until last night. When I saw the reminder paper. I hadn't done anything about it, so decided I would take her in and ask her teacher what time they would go and just pick her up early or bring her back to school afterwards.

A little history. I have serious street issues. My brother was run over by a car and killed when we were younger. He wasn't being careless, in fact, he was with my dad {Who was also not be careless. Who, actually, was holding his hand.}. I seriously have to come inside when I see kids playing in the street. I know it's probably fine as our street is pretty low traffic, but I can literally feel my heart beating through my chest when I see it. It's so bad that when my kids see people crossing the street (in the crosswalk, mind you) they say, "Look at them in the street! They are not being safe at all!" Accidents happen. My "safety bubble" has been burst. Things happen to people, not just "someone out there" and it could happen to me {again} too.

Mandy (Anna-Kate's teacher) said when they were going and instead of saying what I had planned, I started crying, or, tearing up. Poor thing, (no kids yet) I'm sure she didn't know what to think of crazy Mama! I barely choked out that I had street issues because my brother was hit by a car and then couldn't talk for a minute. She promised me that she would carry Anna-Kate across the street and text me when they got back to school. I agreed to leave her and walked away, completely embarrassed by my emotional unsteadiness. It was an act of trusting the Lord. It was step one of relinquishing control over my girl. I'm sure it sounds so silly that I was so worked up about something so small. But I was.

I sat in the car finishing my mascara (or, reapplying what had been cried off, whatever). I was secretly hoping to take a long time and that they would leave early so I could watch them cross the street. I forced myself to drive away (though couldn't even run my errands as I wanted to be close to school). I drove the way they would be walking and prayed for protection. I literally was crying out to God to calm my fears, to protect my girl, claiming the peace He promises. And He did. It washed over me. Right on time, Mandy texted me. They were back and had a fun time and all was good again.

It's all so silly, really. But is so very real. This morning on the Christian radio station, one of the dj's asked what was one thing your Mom said to you as a kid that you rolled your eyes at, but turned out to be right (and I thought, "just one?"). The most applicable of them for today was after Mark died. She said I would probably have to re-grieve his death and deal with this again when I had children of my own. I told her I certainly would not that I had dealt with it and was fine. As I am not an anxious worrier by nature, clearly, she was right.

The valley

You know, today is just one of those days that makes me long for heaven.

No more tears, no more pain, no more hurt feelings, no more mis-communications, no more drama.

I'm praying for love and the ability to forgive and give others the benefit of the doubt. I need Jesus to take away my apathy. Chris wisely reminded me that I was not called to an easy life, but one of sacrifice and persecution. {Thankfully, mine isn't so much the physical kind.} Thankful tonight that God doesn't give me more than I can handle and that He promises to walk with me through the valleys.

That "mountain-top" is gonna be beautiful...

Just another day in paradise!

I mean, I grew up in Texas. Are you shocked that I automatically think of country music to describe emotions? (What? Don't know that song?? Try this. Thanks, Phil Vassar!)

I had the best Mothers Day weekend! (yes, I said, weekend, not day). Chris is so amazing and tried so hard to make my Saturday special since Sunday is so busy with church. We had an early soccer game and had Chick-fil-a breakfast to start the day off, then Chris did some planting/landscaping {including my new knock-out rose!!} for me while I made bows {more on that later}. The big kids went to Target with Chris and each chose me a gift from the dollar bin (HUGE "frog eye" sunglasses from Ryan and a dishtowel with a hot pink flower from Anna-Kate). Chris also got new carseats for the boys (on the to-do list forever and they were on sale) and he even installed Ryan's without being asked! The boys took great naps and Chris and Anna-Kate went out to buy food to cook a big dinner for me. For various reasons, we ended up going out to dinner that night (yay for a "free" groupon dinner!) and had pizza at our favorite local pizza place with some live music (sidenote, I love that my kids are still in the carefree kid age of dancing freely and not caring what others think. :)).

Sunday we went to church then home for leftover pizza. Our neighbors' son was baptized, so we headed over to celebrate for a little while. I spent the rest of the afternoon making bows (Chris even ran a bow-related errand for me, now that is love!). Our friends came over for dinner and the adults sat outside enjoying the last of the spring like weather as the kids played on the bounce house. I couldn't have asked for a more lovely weekend!

So hard to get everyone looking {and smiling} at the same place at the same time...



Could they be any cuter?!?



You know, I'm human and I'm sinful (I know, the most brilliant statement I've ever made, huh?). I often forget to acknowledge how truly blessed I am. I often let the little things in my daily life annoy {or anger?} me. I truly am living the life that I dreamed I would, as a little girl. I am married to my prince Charming who loves me and provides for me and our family, I have precious children, amazing family and friends...I truly am blessed. As I reflect on the constant laundry, the mess, times of frustration and tears, and the sacrifice that children require, I am absolutely struck by how much, so very much more, I get. I don't deserve it. Thank you Jesus for gifting me my husband, these children, these days...

Airport Woes

Traveling on Wednesday should have been seamless. I mean, really, the last time I flew it was with two young kids and no Chris. This was cake (especially since I packed most of my stuff in Chris' suitcase so I just had one carry-on!).

Anyway, I got to the airport early (thinking that I would have to wait forever since I didn't have my stroller {which is a magic "ticket to the front of the line", fyi}. I breezed through relatively quickly and was making mental plans to have a burger at Chilis while I passed the time. I got the lady who had been at work too long and asked me to take off my cardigan. I looked at her and told her I wasn't interested in wearing a lacy cami without my cardigan on top. So she gave me a full body pat down...and was quite thorough. After, she said, "pull your sleeves down". After the frisking I had just received I decided to throw in the towel and take my cardigan off, and she said, "NO, I said your sleeves not your shirt. Am I not speaking English today or what?" I looked at her with wide eyes and she said, "no really, not sarcastic, am I not speaking English because clearly I am not communicating with you." Wow. Finally got past her and then was pulled out of the line as my purse had to be more closely inspected. I wasn't worried, I am always the random search. Always. Unfortunately for me, I forgot to take my swiss army knife off my keychain. {this would be the one I bought in Switzerland after my junior year of highschool with my friends, right before I moved across the country for my senior year. I was really sad as it's been a staple on my keychain for lo these many years.} She then pulled out my bottle that Leigh-Ann gave me when I had Jack. She had his name put on it and there was purell in there. She said that it was 6 oz and would need to be thrown away. At that point, I started crying. I'm really not proud of that fact, but I did. She asked if there was sentimental significance and I told her the whole story about moving before my senior year and that knife that I bought etc and that my friend gave me that purell when my baby was born. Then, my voice cracked. I am mortified just writing this down. She looked at me like I was completely an emotional liability. Since she found the knife she had to throw it away but she told me I could go find someone who dropped me off to give my bottle to. I just shook my head that no one was there. Poor woman, took my bottle, dumped the purell out, washed it out, then refilled it with her own purell as I sat there trying to pull myself together. As she handed it back and smiled, her kindness brought tears to my eyes...I said, "I know you see all kinds, I just didn't think I would be one of them." She gave me a nervous laugh and a pat on the back.

Geesh. Clearly, I needed some sleep.

The trip wasn't amazing. I was seated next to a woman with no concept of personal space (nor did she possess the ability to not rip 'em every two seconds...). It was a looong flight, that left an hour late. But, I was thankful that the kids weren't there. It was a problem free trip and I am OK a few hours short on sleep, the kids would have had a lot harder time with that. :)

Even though...I'm thankful

Even though today would mark hospital trip number four (this winter) for Ryan, {his croup/breathing issues} I am so thankful for the steroids that make him better (enough to stay home). (*Bonus, Jack was deemed to have "the best lungs I've heard in weeks" by our pediatrician--yippee!)

Even though I've done upwards of 20 loads of laundry in the last week and a half (2 different people with pink eye, a kid with fever, and 2 who threw up) I am so thankful that I have an awesome washing machine and drier that make my life easier.

Even though there is constantly something in my house that {desperately} needs cleaning, I am so thankful that we have a house and for a daughter who loves to help, often asking what chores she can do to help our family.

Even though my back hurts, I am so thankful for a husband who has bent over backwards to help me and lighten my load.

Even though my days are often long, tedious and filled with "being consistent" I am beyond blessed and thankful for the children that take my time, that I can stay home with them and that Chris absolutely supports our decision for me to do so.

Changing decades

*Alternate title: "It's my party and I'll cry if I want to"

dun, dun, duuuun.

My twenties were good to me. I graduated from college, married the love of my life and had three wonderful babies. I keep hearing, "just wait, your 30's are even better". I can't see how, but I guess I'm not given the option. :) {I'll let you know, from the vantage point of "older and wiser".}

I have, however, decided that this will be my last birthday. Ever. Not so much because I am scared of aging, (I'm not) but because my birthdays are historically horrible. Don't get me wrong, I've had some good ones, but the last 5 have been particularly disastrous (says the girl who LOVES birthdays, especially mine, because it means a day is all about me. I guess that's why I'm tired of them. They aren't all about me anymore...). Anyway. I'll do a quick recap for you. Last year, I was in the hospital with Ryan over my birthday {you know, croup}. '09 we were at the hospital getting x-rays of Anna-Kate's chest {they thought it was pnemonia, it wasn't). The year before that, I was in the hospital recovering from the train-wreck that was childbirth to produce Ryan. '07 we were moving the day of my birthday, I was the only one in my whole family not sick and Chris forgot about my birthday. {You may all begin feeling sorry for me now. Thank you.}

N-E-Way. I took the kids down to my parents' house for a couple of days this week. Since this is the big 3-0, I decided this would be the year that we would turn around my birthday being horrible {but you know, the best laid plans...but I get ahead of myself}. Mom had planned to cook a big birthday dinner for me and had invited my grandparents over to celebrate. I had to run a quick errand to pick up Ryan's pictures (a story for another post) and return something. Mom and Jack came with me and my Dad stayed back with the big kids. I congratulated myself on hurrying and returned to the car at 5:03 (we were supposed to pick up my grandparents "5ish"). I couldn't find my keys. I'm not one to lose my keys, {I leave that to Leigh-Ann, lol} so I checked the only place my keys ever are if not in my purse: on the drivers seat. Yep, there they were, next to my phone. Thankfully, mom had AAA {of which I've really gotten her money's worth!} so immediately called. Long story short, we waited 2 hours and didn't get dinner on the table until 8:05 (if you know me, my kids' "schedule" had me twitching!). Chris begged me not to drive home and to stay the extra night. {Side note, the evening actually turned out to be fairly relaxing and fun.}
I planned to get up and leave at 8 this morning to make Ryan's well-baby appointment at 9:20 this morning, but when I called to tell them I would be late, they said they were booked and I couldn't be late. So, I waited until 10 to leave, to coincide with Jack's nap. (we also had a birthday party that I was forced to miss and were invited to the childrens museum with friends, but missed that too. Urgh.) Ryan's had another couple week run where we have battled wills {I keep telling him Mommy will always win, but he is certainly giving me a run for my money}. This morning was no exception. Children should be more clearly taught that there are certain days of the year that require perfect behavior out of them--my birthday being one of them. Anyway, I began driving, already exhausted. We were about 25 minutes into our 75 minute drive when all lanes of traffic stopped pretty suddenly. And there we sat. For a long time. Long enough that Toy Story ended in the car, Jack woke from his nap and I had less than 1/4 tank of gas. We finally got going again only to come to a complete stop about 2 miles up. Here began, "I'm tired of sitting here", "when are we there?", "I need to go potty", "why aren't we going?". It was awesome.

So, the tradition continues (at least we aren't in the hospital this year, right?). Let's all enjoy it, my last birthday. Here's to hoping 2012 brings a smoother February (since my expectations will be set particularly low in anticipation).

Thankfully, Chris turned the evening around for me with a wonderful night out!

I defy gravity

{evidently}

I wanted a "reset" button on today by 8:02 am, and that is just never a good way to start the day.

Chris made coffee for me this morning (so awesome) so I went downstairs to the heavenly aroma of fresh coffee and excitedly poured a cup. Before I could even take a sip I heard the baby crying so I made his bottle and headed back upstairs, large cup of coffee in hand. I reached to open his door and somehow managed to drop my filled-to-the-brim mug. I reached out to grab it (how I thought I would catch all of the falling drops of liquied caffeine I am unsure of) but I managed to knock the mug in an upward motion before it returned to falling down. So, instead of just spilling all over the carpet (if I hadn't had the follow up volley) it was all over both Jack and Ryans' doors, door frames, the wall in between their rooms, the bookshelf, (and all of the books) 2 outfits a friend lent me for Jack that I had washed and ironed and were ready to return, a large stain with dozens of spot stains on the carpet and the ceiling. Not to mention, it splattered both Anna-Kate and me (requiring an outfit change for each).

Yep, I am the first person in the world to drop a cup of coffee and have it stain
the ceiling.

I sent Anna-Kate in to talk with Jack while I madly scrubbed the various surfaces. I noticed the ceiling last (can you blame me?) so it was too late to get the coffee as it had already dried. This picture is extra sad because it was taken from downstairs looking up (at night). That's how well you can see it.



Guess I'll be painting this weekend.