How do I KNOW?

{And here I go being all transparent again. And long-winded, very long-winded.}

I think one of the hardest things is trying to figure out what the right decision is. When we're younger, the decisions are relatively harmless, (where to go to college) but the stakes get higher as we age.

I had my heart broken years ago, so when I decided to start dating Chris, it was with much prayer and after years of friendship. For those who don't know, Chris broke up with me for a time (not a "we're on a break" but "we're done, forever" kinda thing). I was devastated. Prior to the breakup I just knew I was going to marry him. When we broke up I started questioning how I would ever really know anything again. I had so strongly felt the Lord leading me into this relationship that I was blindsided by the break up and left reeling. That 10 months that we were broken up ended up being a really sweet time in my life. I threw myself into my school work, {college} invested in relationships with my dearest girlfriends, went on a few dates, but mostly I desperately sought the face of God. I was floundering and that year the Lord showed me that He loves me and will always care for me and my needs. Clearly, we got back together, and our relationship is that much stronger and sweeter because of the time apart. God grew us so much as individuals and showed us His will so very clearly. It was as if I appreciated Chris even more knowing that I almost didn't get to marry him and knew how much I would be missing out on.

As a Christian it is often something I pray, "Your will be done". When the rubber meets the road, however, I am a type-A who likes to be in control of life (both mine and those around me). It's been a while since we've gone through something where we have struggled so intensely to find the will of the Lord. We have had the opportunity to, once again, earnestly seek the will of the Lord and be tested as we have waited for Him to show us His plan for our family.

Last October began the investigation into kindergarten. Honestly, I had heard parents talking about how stressful it was and I thought it was a little crazy to let yourself get so stressed over "silly little kindergarten". For the past few years we had planned to send Anna-Kate to the kindergarten at her current preschool; it is half-day (which I love) and cheap (and I also love that). I felt that to do my due diligence, I should look around at other schools for a 1st grade plan. Leigh-Ann and I toured school after school (after school...) and each one felt not quite right, including her current school. I just didn't have a peace in my heart. Homeschooling was also an option for us, and something I have been praying about for quite some time, but I still continued to search. I had heard wonderful things about a school that is just a few miles from our house, but honestly didn't think we could afford it. I found out they actually offer money to families they think are a good fit for their school. Chris and I prayed about it and priced it out before we stepped foot on campus (assuming it would be beautiful and wonderful and not wanting to do that to ourselves if it couldn't work for us). We prayed about it and decided to take a tour. I left in tears, it was perfect, everything I had (very specifically) prayed for, and more. I felt the Lord pulling my heart to entrust our precious girl to this school for kindergarten. We went through the entire application process, (which included IQ testing, a long application for us and an observation/interview of Anna-Kate) financial aid process, and eagerly awaited the day the letter was to arrive. We prayed, a lot, and truly felt like we were on the path that the Lord had for our family. I truly wasn't worried about getting in, despite the fact that there were 55 applicants trying to get in to the one new class they were opening, I was concerned with the money situation, but ultimately felt like we were following the Lords will and that it would be taken care of.

I opened the acceptance letter and read that we would not be getting any money. I think I stopped breathing, knowing that we just couldn't do it with two more kids and me staying at home. I was crushed, and once again I cried out to the Lord, "why, Lord? Why would you let me go through this process and get my hopes up? Why did you let me believe this was Your will for us? How will I know Your will? We so strongly felt You as we made this decision, why?". I spent the Saturday (day I received the paperwork) and Sunday physically sick. I was worried about the future, I felt so not connected to the Lord, like I had missed something big time.

It turns out that we had made a mistake. I called and talked with the school, honestly expecting nothing--it just felt better to know there was a mistake (can't explain that one, it just did). The lady told me she was sorry about the mistake and that she would look at it, but that they had already over promised money and there just wasn't any money left. The same lady called back the next morning and said that she had spoken to the "higher powers" and they had some money to offer our family.

Upon reflection, it was a similar set of emotions as what I had experienced after the break up. The Lord again revealed Himself to us--showed us His love and provision. We just had to wait. I will tell you, the waiting made the end result a little bit sweeter. I dropped off our contract and had such a joyful peace in my heart. I am so thankful for a Father who looks after me and continually shows Himself, and His love, to His children.