Control {or the lack thereof}

I flipped out this morning.

A couple of weeks ago a note came home from school that all of the pre-K kids would be going to a nearby (like, across the street and up a block) elementary school for an early lunch to see what it will be like for next year. My initial reaction was, "this is stupid, she isn't even going to public school next year and areyoukiddingme, you think I'm gonna let my little girl walk across the street?!?" I figured I would get a sitter for Jack and Anna-Kate and I would do something fun so she wouldn't feel jipped.

I may have kinda been anxious about it ever since, then somehow forgot about it. Until last night. When I saw the reminder paper. I hadn't done anything about it, so decided I would take her in and ask her teacher what time they would go and just pick her up early or bring her back to school afterwards.

A little history. I have serious street issues. My brother was run over by a car and killed when we were younger. He wasn't being careless, in fact, he was with my dad {Who was also not be careless. Who, actually, was holding his hand.}. I seriously have to come inside when I see kids playing in the street. I know it's probably fine as our street is pretty low traffic, but I can literally feel my heart beating through my chest when I see it. It's so bad that when my kids see people crossing the street (in the crosswalk, mind you) they say, "Look at them in the street! They are not being safe at all!" Accidents happen. My "safety bubble" has been burst. Things happen to people, not just "someone out there" and it could happen to me {again} too.

Mandy (Anna-Kate's teacher) said when they were going and instead of saying what I had planned, I started crying, or, tearing up. Poor thing, (no kids yet) I'm sure she didn't know what to think of crazy Mama! I barely choked out that I had street issues because my brother was hit by a car and then couldn't talk for a minute. She promised me that she would carry Anna-Kate across the street and text me when they got back to school. I agreed to leave her and walked away, completely embarrassed by my emotional unsteadiness. It was an act of trusting the Lord. It was step one of relinquishing control over my girl. I'm sure it sounds so silly that I was so worked up about something so small. But I was.

I sat in the car finishing my mascara (or, reapplying what had been cried off, whatever). I was secretly hoping to take a long time and that they would leave early so I could watch them cross the street. I forced myself to drive away (though couldn't even run my errands as I wanted to be close to school). I drove the way they would be walking and prayed for protection. I literally was crying out to God to calm my fears, to protect my girl, claiming the peace He promises. And He did. It washed over me. Right on time, Mandy texted me. They were back and had a fun time and all was good again.

It's all so silly, really. But is so very real. This morning on the Christian radio station, one of the dj's asked what was one thing your Mom said to you as a kid that you rolled your eyes at, but turned out to be right (and I thought, "just one?"). The most applicable of them for today was after Mark died. She said I would probably have to re-grieve his death and deal with this again when I had children of my own. I told her I certainly would not that I had dealt with it and was fine. As I am not an anxious worrier by nature, clearly, she was right.