My anxious heart

I know that the Lord promises to give peace. I know that He faithfully loves me and promises hope and rest.

The problem is, my head can know that all day long, but my heart is still filled with fear. I'm not an anxious person by nature, and on the scale of "mommy worry" I'm generally pretty low, that generally just isn't my particular area to struggle with. This week isn't generally.

Ryan's surgery is scheduled for Thursday morning. I know in my head that in the grand scheme of surgeries this isn't a big deal (but so help me, if another person flippantly tells me that I might smack them) and that he will be fine, but I'm worried. I honestly tear up every time I let myself think about it. I know it is an irrational fear and it is simply a result of me not trusting the Lord fully, but it's where I'm at.

Tonight as we sat to read our devotion the book randomly opened to the story of Jesus healing the little girl (in case you are unfamiliar, her father went to Jesus to ask Him to heal his daughter, but by the time He got there, she had died. The Bible says Jesus spoke life back into her!). I was crying by the end. As Chris and I were talking, after the kids were down, he said he'd been thinking about Abraham and Isaac. The deepest desire of Abraham's heart was to have a son, and God gave him a son. But God wants to be loved first. He tested Abraham. We believe in the sovereignty of God--that God holds little Ryan in His mighty hands and is fully in control. Do I trust God when it means relinquishing my mommy control? Evidently, only kicking and screaming.

Please pray for Ryan on Thursday morning--for safety and health (and that the doctors would find what they need, he would wake up from the anesthesia, and that he wouldn't have stridor because of the procedure--thus requiring an overnight stay). Please pray for me--to trust in the Lord and for peace in my heart. I know I'm gonna be a wreck watching them take him back when I can't be with him.